An Iowa Mom

Time To Schedule A Hearing Check

You might get the vibe from reading this blog that there is a lot of sarcasm in this house.  It's just the norm and everyone here has come to accept it and understand it and deliver it.  Well, everyone except for Molly ... but we'll give her a break since she's only four years old ... I'm sure she'll come around eventually. 

Yesterday Molly called out from the bathroom, "Mom ... I used all the rest of the toilet paper.  Do you want me to put a new one on?"

To which I replied, "No, the next person who uses the restroom won't want any toilet paper."

Do you hear the sarcasm?  Cuz it's there.  I heard it.  Did you?  Molly didn't.  I guess it's time to get her ears checked.

And guess who the next person to use the bathroom was.

Me.  Of course.

Sigh.

Cheerky

Last week Emily, who is in kindergarten, ran off the school bus with an assignment that was requested to be completed at home.  My heart sank.  Don't be gettin' all over my case thinkin' I don't like to do things with my children ... because I do.  Really.  However, this particular assignment was to be done with Emily.

You know ... that child who was the third born in this family.  The one with a mind of her own.  The one who will always, without fail, want to do the complete opposite of whatever I suggest. 

"Emily, would you like to stay up really really late tonight and watch whatever you want on TV?"

"No Mom, I think I'd better turn in early."

"Emily, how about this giant sized chocolate bar for dinner.  YUMMY!"

"Ya know what Mom?  I am more in the mood for green beans tonight!"

Get my point?  Makes for some great blog posts, but costs a fortune in sanity medication.  Just sayin'.

ANYWAY - about this project ... it was a turkey.  A turkey drawn on a piece of paper.  A turkey that MUST be cut out and disguised ... so that no one really knows it's a turkey ... and will look right past it when hunting down their Thanksgiving dinner.

That crafter in me took over and a million ideas started racing through my head.  We can cover it up as a snowman.  A reindeer.  A present.  An Easter Bunny.  An M&M camouflaged as a Turkey so that it's not on the menu for the holidays (don't you love those M&M commercials?), a television set, a clock, Bugs Bunny ... oooohhhh ... we were gonna have SO MUCH STINKIN' FUN deciding what this Turkey will be disguised as.

And then Emily spoke. "I've already decided what to do ... it's going to be a cheerleader.  A Prairie Cheerleader.  With an orange shirt.  Let's get started."

Alrighty then.

So, last Friday night we made a date.  Her and I would disappear into the craft room and would not show our faces until we had one heck of a costume for her Turkey.

I made several suggestions ... to which it was no surprise were all shot down by the boss.  All except for adding the cute little hair clip in her hair and Q-Tips instead of toothpicks for the pom pom handles.  Imagine how great that made me feel.  I was such a valuable participant in this process.  Sigh.  But I'm can't forget to mention ... Emily also allowed me to tie the shoelaces and cut out the shirt.  Oh yeah ... and unclog the glue that one time.

So now ... without further ado ... I present you with ... Emily's "Cheerky" ...

Pretty darned cute if I say so myself.  I think she did a great job. 

Now I better go clean up the craft room that we pretty much destroyed so she could see every single resource that I had for her to use.  Wouldn't want to miss anything.

But, before I go ... I want to say, "WAY TO GO Emily!!!  You are becoming quite the little artist.  But just one thing ... can you just PRETEND that you need me sometimes?  For my sake."

Time Is Running Out

Alert!  Alert!  Alert!

At the moment I'm posting this you have exactly 1 day, 5 hours and  21 minutes to get your tickets to "The I Blog Conference".  There are only 29 tickets left, so if you intend on going ... get your butt in gear.  And if you were just thinking about going ... get over your silly, thinking self and just get your ticket before it's too late.  I mean ... I'm trying to save you from having to kick yourself in the butt for not acting sooner.

I'm serious.

You can thank me later.  After you get your ticket.

My friend Jody has done a heck of a job putting this thing together.  There are some awesome sponsors and even MORE awesome speakers.  It's gonna be great.  Bloggers all over the Midwest are gonna be talking about it for months.  Do you want to just HEAR about it?  Or BE a part of it?

Ahem.

That's what I thought.

So ... go get your ticket.  OK?

Tellin' It Like It Is ...

Earlier this week when Jake arrived home after school with the news that his "girlfriend" broke up with him ... I tried to be a comforting and understanding mother.  I know that is hard to believe, but I really did. 

I mean ... It was his first break up.  And my first "try to make him feel better after the break up" moment.  We were learning together.

After cuddling with him on the sofa for a while and telling him my own middle school sagas, trying to assure him this is totally par for the course at this stage in life ... I offered up some very valuable information ...

"Jake, don't worry ... there are many other fish in the sea!" I told him.

To which Jake replied, "Yeah ... but I live on land!"

My Halloween Herd

Saturday.

Halloween is different when it falls on a Saturday.  I believe that a lot more people venture out to beg for the good stuff.  A lot more parents decide it's worth their time to dress their kids up in cheap costumes to knock on doors and mumble "trick or treat" to gather a bunch of candy they'll steal from them in the middle of the night. 

Even though ... seriously ... in your experience do the kids even say "trick or treat" anymore?  As we handed out candy this year ... I found more and more little ones just eyed the loot and shoved their bag in my direction.  I make my kids say it.  I also expect them say "thank you" when a treat is dropped into their plastic pumpkin.  If they don't, that is the last house we visit.  Done.  At least I hope Big Daddy follows those rules ... since he is the one who goes around with them.

A lot of kids don't have any manners these days.

It's sad.

And it seems to be accepted.

Drives me nuts.

Anyway ... in carrying on with the tradition of being a "mom blogger" ... it is my duty to post Halloween pictures of my kids, right?

And I'm all about doing what is proper. 

Stop laughing.

Honestly.  Maybe I'm trying to turn over a new leaf.  Ya never know.  So be nice.

Ya see ... you got me all flustered and off track. 

Geez.

On with it ...

Here is Jake, dressed as a ball player ... in a "costume" that has been worn a hundred times, since it's his baseball uniform.  He is so original.  In this picture he is sitting with his "girlfriend".  He went to her house and trick or treated around her neighborhood.  Only she isn't his "girlfriend" anymore.  They broke up the Monday following Halloween.  To be in the 6th grade again.  Sigh.

Regardless of the break-up, it's the only photo I have of him from Saturday ... so I have to use it.  Sorry Jake. 

I guess I could have cropped her out of the picture ... but that would be no fun.

Onward ...

Here are Emily and Molly.  Emily is obviously Dorothy.  Molly is Glenda, the good witch.  I know, I know ... she's in a princess dress, with a princess crown and a princess wand.  The great thing about having a four year old ... you can pull out dresses and accessories you already own ... TELL HER it's Glenda ... and she believes it.  Works for me.

And last but not least, here is Drew.  As Drew.  Apparently, he is too cool to get dressed up and gallivant around the neighborhood ... so he handed out the candy at our house.

Until we ran out, that is.

Yeah, we were "THAT" house that shut their light off before all the kids made their way to us.

Did I mention that a lot more people ventured out this year?

I bet 'cause it was Saturday.

A Love Hate Relationship

Yesterday afternoon, all four of the kids and I were hanging out in the living room ... counting the minutes until Big Daddy came home to relieve me from my motherly duties.  Why?  Long story.  It involves a dentist.  I'll share later.

Anyway, while I am on the couch moaning and groaning about how long it is taking Big Daddy to get home, Emily decided she wanted to go outside to hang up some Halloween decorations that she had just created.  I asked her to wait, as I was not up for frolicking about with a roll of tape hanging up her paper crafts that would be destroyed by the wind and rain within 12 hours.  That fun job would also be Big Daddy's ... if he'd EVER get home.

Well, Emily didn't like my request to wait ... and screamed, "I HATE YOU!"

After removing the dagger from my heart ... I decided I had better do something about this behavior.  Yelling at her caused my mouth to throb even worse, so I was forced to handle this in a kind and understanding way. 

I ignored her.

Simple enough.

It was a few minutes later that this conversation took place:

Emily:  "I want whatever I want for dinner! And I want it NOW!"

Drew:  "You have to wait for Dad to come home and you'll get whatever he makes us!"

Emily: "Oooohhhh Nooooo ... Dad is making dinner?"

She flops on the floor like a fish out of water and continues ...

Emily:  "Why can't Mom make dinner?"

This is where I decide to chime in:  "You hate me, why would I make you dinner?"  (Ya know, because I'm such a mature mom)

Always having an answer for everything ...

Emily:  "Well ... just because I hate YOU doesn't mean you can't do things for ME!"

Lord Help Me.

Ya see ... Emily and I have a love hate relationship.  I am supposed to love her ... while she hates me.  Isn't she darling? 

Do We Have A Winner?

Wow ... a lot of you responded to this little somethin' something' of a hillbilly contest?  I mean, really, who holds a contest asking you to guess when her third born will come down with the yuckies?

Me Me Me Me Me Me.  (That's me, jumping up and down in the corner wanting you to see me, but not wanting to get noticed.)

Ahem - I just wanted to update you all ... THERE IS STILL TIME.  Emily is still healthy as an ox.  Is that a "saying".  I don't know if it is ... or if I just like it.  And this IS my blog, even if I'm not here as often as I used to be.

So ... I'm still keeping score and will let you know when Little Miss Emily ruins my night, stumbling into my room boo-hooing that her head hurts and that she wishes she were dead ... and that there is nothing more that she would like than for me to lay with her ... and spread her germs ... into my body ... so that I can be just as miserable as she.

Stay tuned.  It's bound to happen.

Soon.

(And if you haven't voted ... you still have the chance.)

Come on ... this awesome pillow is up for grabs!  Make it YOURS!

40.90909090%

Emily just informed me that 9 out of the 22 kids in her kindergarten class ... were out of school with the sickie yickies today!

YIKES! 

According to my math ... that is 41% of the children in the class are ill!

Okay.  Fine.  Actually it's 40.90909090%, but I rounded it up to 41%.  Geez.  Ya'll are always so technical.

Anyway ...

Does anyone want to take bets on how long it is before Emily comes down with the crud?

Seriously - leave me a comment below with date you think will be her first absence from school ... and you will win a prize.

A COOL PRIZE! 

Handmade.

By Me.

A Pillow.

Like this:

But in the colors of your choice.

And that makes for a really fun Christmas present.

If you don't think the pillow is cool ... when then FINE!  Then don't leave a stinkin' comment.  Okay?

But remember ... I'll know who loves me ... and who doesn't.

Just sayin'.

So ... when will it be?  When will Emily join the other nine of her classmates on the ABSENTEE list?

The Story Of My Life Lately ...

Posts have been scarce again, but really, it's very temporary.  And I mean it, NO LIES this time!

Anyway - this was sent to me the other day and I totally had to share, as it tells the story of my life lately ... and I'm sure it will sum up some of yours as well.

Even when life sucks ... you still deserve to smile.  Says ME!

It All Makes Sense Now

Yesterday afternoon I was driving Drew to football practice.  I decided to take the girls with me, because Jake has a little girlfriend now and I couldn't trust he'd look away from his Google Chat long enough to even acknowledge that Emily and Molly were left in his care.  See how responsible I am?

Anyway, we were moseying along and began talking about birthdays and times that the kids were born and so forth.  I don't really know how the conversation started, and I don't really care.  I was just happy that it wasn't the same ol' same ol' ... ya know ... me screaming at them the whole time the car was in drive. 

So ... here we are, behaving like a functional family, talking about stuff.  Drew mentions that he was born at 3:18pm and he believes that 3:18pm is the absolute BEST time to be born. 

Thinking back to that day in August of 2000, I smiled.  "Drew, man, that was the HOTTEST day!  I will never forget it."

Drew replied, "It was the hottest day?"

I assured him it was as I glanced in my rear view mirror.

After a few seconds passed he continued, "No wonder I'm so good lookin'.  It all makes sense now!"

With everything this family deals with, I'm glad we don't have to worry about adding self esteem issues to the list.